My computer is very slow. V E R Y S L O W. I’m waiting and I’m waiting, the ideas are coming thick and fast but my computer has not even started up yet. I’m dawdling, I’m checking Facebook on my iPhone while my computer is still organising itself. And then it finally stretches and yawns and turns to me with a smile and says “Windows Update is now installing, 1 of 35, 2% complete”
I walk away. Breathe and calm down. Then I come back, go into Start> Programs> Windows Update. I switch off Windows Update (are you sure you want to do this? Oh yes). Then I get a flag in my taskbar with a big red X through it. You are a bold girl you switched off Windows Update. How could you? This computer will not run properly unless your updates are set to AUTOMATIC. We will not be responsible for the outcome if you leave your updates switched off. In fact, we cannot guarantee that a virus will not come in and destroy your machine if your Updates are off. (Not that they could guarantee it wouldn’t happen anyway).Now I am stuck having to look at this flag with a big red X through it now, as if I need reminding of how “bold” I am.
But something has freed itself up in my machine and it seems to respond better now. In fact, it’s stopped yawning at me and is sitting up straight, eyes wide open, saying proudly “Where would you like to go today?” Ah yes, the old way. When Operating Systems were not these clunky objects that take up half of the RAM of your machine and insist on filling the rest of the space with updates for Microsoft Silverlight (what is that anyway?) or some type of Networking Server thing (do I need this?). Of course, then there’s the vital Security Patch and the System Pack that, once installed, causes the printer driver to suddenly become unrecognisable to the computer and no longer can we print out anything. Anything at all. I once had to buy a new printer because I updated my Operating System.. but that is another story.
Ok. I can breathe a sigh of relief now that the Updates are switched off. But that still leaves the problem of the modem – it is even slower than the machine was with the Updates switched on. And every so often I get the message “there is a computer with the same IP address trying to use the same internet connection – what do I do?” and then it disconnects. How could there be two computers using the same modem? It’s a USB modem; it only has one USB connection, which is going into only one computer. I give up.
Why am I writing all about computer stuff when I’m an energy healer and psychotherapist? I’m also human. I also use computers and I also, from time to time, lose patience with things. Mostly with my computer; but with my children too, with myself for forgetting things, with drivers on the road for changing their mind and changing lanes, or stopping suddenly. And I give out. I swear, I curse, like we all do when we lose patience with something. But I do not hold onto it. I let it go, practically immediately. So that I don’t go over conversations in my head again and again ( I should have said… I should have done… I should have….) I say OK, what’s the learning from this? And I take the learning, and throw away the rest. So that I don’t immerse myself in the energy of what it was that I didn’t enjoy, didn’t do or didn’t anticipate. But immerse myself in the learning, and forgive myself for making a mistake, or for being tired and having a short fuse.
If we can let go of things in this way, we become less afraid to make mistakes, and then, perhaps, we can take more risks. We can go deeper in the work, go stronger out to sea, and closer to our destination. It might only be a little boat we are paddling, but there is a lot more room in that boat for forgiveness than for impatience, intolerance and “should have done”s.