I have been asked this question several times lately, and I want to answer it. But first I need to say that after working with my Inner Child Intensive group it has really become obvious to me to see the difference between an adult, and an adult who is acting out of their inner child self.
Based on the assumption that a toxic person is someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries, puts their own importance ahead of you, and doesn’t appreciate or acknowledge you as an equal I rephrase the above question to: “Why would you let someone treat you badly?”
The answer is – your inner child self is wanting to be loved, seen, appreciated, validated and would do anything – yes anything to get that connection, including hurting itself in the process. And to go one step further, a wounded empathic inner child would deliberately hurt itself without thinking about the consequences to get approval from someone that it felt was an authority figure, such as mother.
So back to this question, and I rephrase it again here: “Is it okay for me to allow my mother to treat me badly?” Closer to home now, but knowing what you now know, as a responsible adult, what is the answer? And as the wounded inner child self acting out of the adult, what is the answer?
No. Every time the answer is no, it is not okay to let anyone treat you badly. Including you.
Tragically there is not much a child can do if their mother is treating them badly. Your relationship with your mother creates a template for every relationship you will ever have. And it makes for broken, dysfunctional, difficult relationships, where everyone becomes the authority figure, even when they are not an authority on anything. Unless you do your own inner work and heal the part of you that is aching, this template will keep you stuck in these same patterns and create deep seated resentment of people alongside a great need to be wanted, by the same people. So it is easy for me to say here, that as an adult, it is not okay for your mother to treat you badly. But as that adult, you need to firstly be aware that she is treating you badly, and then do your inner work and get the strength that you need to be able to heal yourself, to face the relationship for what it is, to change the dynamic, and to be prepared to walk away if that is what it takes.
Sometimes walking away from something is the thing that heals it.
I have never seen as many adults acting out of their inner wounded child selves than I am seeing right now. They are aching, all of them, and either struggling with, or refusing to do their inner work. And I understand why. The evolution of our consciousness is making us change, forcing us look at ourselves, our wounding, and showing us ourselves at our worst, and the potential we can reach when we are our best selves. So we become aware of our choices – do we let other people treat us badly, or not? Do we take the risk of change, or do we continue to allow ourselves be hurt? And by allowing ourselves be hurt, we are hurting ourselves too.
So I say it here and clear in case there is any doubt – Mother or not, nobody has the right to treat you badly. Not even you.
When I write up on Facebook – “Why can’t people just be kind to each other?” This is the answer. This is the truth of all of the hurt that people cause each other. Looking outside of themselves for the love and compassion that they cannot give to themselves. As a child, you don’t have a choice, but an adult, you do.
So with compassion and love I say this to you – it is time to grow up and be the adult that you are. It’s time to validate yourself instead of needing someone else to do that for you. And it’s time to redraw the boundaries around yourself and give yourself the space that you need, so you can act out of tolerance, kindness and compassion for others, and for yourself. Being an adult sounds like you don’t get to have any fun, but believe me, you can give yourself permission to have more fun than ever before, and show up for life, and be a functional part of society at the same time, be enriching and be enriched by life. But you can’t do that if you’re always acting out of your wounded child self.
This month please do take the time to look at your own behaviours, because you can only be responsible for your own behaviours. Ask yourself if you are giving yourself everything you need, if you’re saying yes when you should be saying no, if you’re pushing yourself too hard. Ask yourself “If i won the lottery what would i do differently with my life” and then start to live that way anyway. Because that’s what a responsible adult does – pays the bills yes, but takes time to rest too. And to enjoy life. And to see other people in their painful beauty and to help when they need the help, when asked, but not to rush in and fix that other person because they can’t tolerate being around pain.
Don’t deny anyone else their healing process, their growth process by taking it on for yourself. And don’t let your inner child distract you from being the best person that you can be. I’ll close this sermon with this quote from a new facebook friend (yes its a sermon there is no denying it)
“Pain is the fastest path to self growth and towards enlightenment. The next fastest is Love. But pain works faster and more efficiently, due to the added challenge and motivation of intense discomfort. This is why soul chooses as much of it as it can handle for each incarnation. So explained Archangel Michael to me after I asked Him why there is so much pain in this world. 💙” ~ Kintarian Amaru~
Until next time,